Fuck Your Mother.

so basicically this is gonna be the random blog where i just go and jump randomly and quickly to different various subjects and rants.. so basicically im like hardcore friggin mood swiinging tonigth and i absplutely hate when i get like that..im just waiting for the blood to pour.. eww gross i know rigth hah but human err mother nature hah.. mmmm,... soo yea,.. today i felt pretty good with being around parts of my family although i just cannot feel completly 100% close and comfortable with em.. sad fact yes to what some familiars are like these days.. sumtimes its just you feel as if your surrounded by complete strangers that basicically like it just seems not know that quite much about you...just not fully understand you and what you do and what you like in life but then if you never really have the oppurinity or whatever to tell em things then well your fucked in that department but yes i like most of the family to a certain extent,. except well for my moms side cuz well they just are soo far away and well .. umm just never ever got close..its sad to how dysfunchional my family is.. i dont know if i will ever see a real family with all the rigth qualities n stuff or watever.. and loving each other unconditionally and not making fun of each other.. hurting or hating each other.. but i kno one day when i hve hubby n children i wana always make em feel special , loved , beautiful , and everything else a child should feel and go through growing up. i wanna one day help people.. for people to open up and talk to me .. to trust me with everything,, to feel secure around me to help em with thier inside problems.. for me to understand and know what they are going through and relate would be such a dream for me.. to reach out in sum day.. im learning so much the past few months or more.. im growing emotionally.. im learnin.. from crashing and burning.. im gonna pull through from the bad times ive done n gone through.. i know all good must come from everything.. i must keep hope and faith and determination and drive inside of me even when i do feel like giving up. or giving in into just craving some kind of liquor or a body toxic when thoughts overcome me inside and cause me body numbness and pain.. i know i can make it through.. i just know it.. im on the verge.. sumtimes i say to myself.. i wanna throw out the bad garbage in my life .. i do.. and well its not like im a complete wreck or sumthin.. just sayin ive had my screw ups just like alot of other ppl have but its indeed very human.. it seems lately writing is my best way to express myself n my feelings.i wrote a well pretty well.. umm emotionally written card to dus n well i dunno if he read it or not cuz i told him where it was in his room last nigth but umm he hasnt answred me yet through text message soo im beginning to wonder wat the fuck is goin on.. cuz boyfriends arent supposted 2 be like all flaky like that shit rigth there are they? no , i didnt think so either.i just sumtimes feel so much older then i actually am sumtimes.. like i have lived longer then my peers or have seen out of older eyes.. hard to explain.. i just tend to have a very complex yet nice prospective of things.. but i know one thing..i wanna do good in my life.. i really do.. i know i have said and said this so much and have gone and did somethhing bad but deep down inside i want to be trully happy like every other human.. i have struggled.. i have strugged a few many times with drinking alchol just to feel temporily happy.. have done drugs just to feel nice and calm relaxed and "happy" when they did nothing for me later on.. only caused me to like wake up with headaches.. extreme behavior ... but live and learn rigth.. i know that deep inside everybody that is a beautiful ,kind hearted , loyal , well qualified person in every body .. just whether u find it in you or not.. some never do cuz they may cover up as thinking it is just too weak , vulnerable , "good" , and too much to with hold in this cruel , bad , angry world and posess bad qualities but i think so many times over and over.. why is there so much hate.. why so much hurt.. why why in alot of things.. i tend to over question things but then opress myself to accepting everything as it is and as being "normal" and just the way things are rather then de-contrust things and analysis things over .. like behaviors and incidents and conflicts.. rather just kinda accept and not over look anything or question it.. sometimes , i must admit it can be hard 2 be the best person u can be due to negative behavior and attitudes around you.. bad influences / mutli media... etc..like the time i became a christian at a camp and wow.. i must say that is quite the well happy and emotional experince rigth there,.. its powerful espicically when yur kid but then came back home facing the same things and commiting sin once again and slowly stop reading the bible.. praying and doing bad things.. but enough about that cuz its just yeah too blunt. i just wish i could sumtimes just be treated with the respect and love i need and want and crave and love.. not saying that all my friend n family suck but umm its just like wow.. why do i even put up with this stupid bf shit.. but i do kno there is a wonderful guy out there i migth meet sumday maybe in freddy or here maybe that will whisp me away with great kindness respect and honestly n love.. i just gotta lose the BAD.. cuz its not what i need.. nobody needs it.. yet so many ppl settle for less then the best they really deserve n need n its a sad fact i resent.. i think inside i do what is wrong and what is rigth yet i stick with whatever anyways or keep my mouth shut cuz i dont want to sound rigth and "good" all the time or cocky mouth so i stay quiet.. i think i always knew just never acted on gut feelings n intuitions as much as i should have but im working on it.. keep listening to apogoize by timbaland over and over.. such a pretty sad song <3 but i love's it always and forever very much.. soo yeah.. did a shitload of personality tests tonigth haha wow i spent a great deal on the internet n msn tonigth.. hah over like 5 hours i think.. going to bed.. phew.. tired. nigth til next time.. merry oh shit xmas is over.,. ok bye